MsO'Vets
- Sep 30, 2023
- 6 min read

Our Default Status Is "Single": Nothing To Fear, It's Only You!

As the title goes, YES, everyone's default status is "single". So, why is there so much shame and fear stemming from being single? This post will explore the shame and fears that surround being "single" ladies.

Nothing Without No One?

The term "single" is commonly used to address one's relationship status. As we evolve into adults, we experience an overwhelming sense of urgency and pressure to acquire a partner to subconsciously redeem or prove our worthiness. Romantic relationships are recognised to boost social status, so it's no wonder why people become eager to attain them, without much consideration in the quality of their partner. Society has a calculated way of striping women of their value and importance outside of romantically formed connections. However, we were once wholesome children with dreams, goals and aspirations before ever considering romantic relationships, but, with the constant reminder of a "biological clock" accompanied by the shame of being single mid-20s onwards, young ladies are encouraged to prioritise seeking partners over personal fulfilments.

Source: https://mentalhealthdaily.com/2015/02/18/at-what-age-is-the-brain-fully-developed

Despite the findings of neurological studies, which prove that a girl's brain is not fully developed until after age twenty-five. It's not surprising why many of us poorly select partners in haste. Poor decisions are always made in the presence of naivety, pressure and fear. The consequence of such poor decisions often leaves us depleted, lacking confidence and worth. Developing ourselves as young adults would provide us with the necessary tools to safeguard ourselves from emotional trauma. For instance, understanding our worth and value aids in creating healthy boundaries to avoid developmental threats.

The shame surrounding being "single" does more harm than good to impressionable minds. But my question is, how can a period of solitude be deemed as a negative? Solitude is time with oneself, how can this be so bad? In my experience, I've seen solitude as a period of refinement, evolution and recentring. I've been able to resolve internal issues about myself, understand who I am, establish healthy boundaries and affirm my standards. All of these things are harder to accomplish when romantically involved with someone. Without self-assurance of who you are, you are easy to mould and manipulate. Not spending time in our default mode (single) creates a wedge between knowing ourselves. How can we relate with others, if we do not know how to relate with ourselves? Sound-minded individuals know who they are and they are aware of their strengths and weaknesses. Such individuals tend not to make decisions on impulse or out of desperation. They recognise that some options may impact their self-preservation defence, so every decision is carefully considered. When we have taken the time to have a relationship with ourselves and learn to love ourselves as a result, the last thing we'd want to do is spread ourselves thin to accommodate the desires and expectations of others.

Your Life, Your Choice, Your Path At Your Own Pace

Within the parameters of the law of the land, we have the right to choose our own path. As we live amongst others, there are various forms of opinions that stem from religious, political and idealistic philosophies that dictate how women should choose to live. It is understood that the creature of the universe granted humans free will but it is humans that suffocate this blessing to advance their own existence. For instance, patriarchal structures continue to thrive on the understanding that men are superior to women. This very notion has been the driving force behind the dictatorship of how girls should aspire to live in their adult stage. Time has drastically changed for women. We today have more opportunities and social rights but this change has not been grasped by most. Social media has become the battlefield of the sexes as some men seek to remind women and girls of their ranking and place in society. Women are somewhat seen as resources that cater to the needs of men which speaks to the dehumanising of the female existence. Whilst women seek to form loving connections that admire their individuality, sadly, some men have been programmed to seek maidservants, nurses and sex dolls. The default mode does seem so bad now, does it? Using solitude to love yourself first and foremost will allow you to develop your discernment and offer you the strength to leave undeserving relationships.

You can't go wrong when you choose yourself. Manipulators can not hack smart and secure minds. This is why take issue with individuals who do not follow the status quo, operate at their own pace and do not possess a scarcity mindset. Be careful to not get caught up in seeking validation from others, as they would instantly gain the power to dictate your worth and value based on the alignment of your choices to their will.

Fluctuating Relationship Status

Being "single" is weaponised as a shameful status to induce levels of fear and insecurity. This ensures that we do not explore our options outside of not involving men. Breakups are inevitable, even marriage vows are not guaranteed to prevent being "single" again. We never ever truly escape facing ourselves, we may have periods of distractions but there you are. Yet, people in relationships are puffed up to believe that they are somehow better than "single" people. The health of the relationship we have with ourselves far outweighs any relationship we have with others. I'd rather choose to be "single" and whole than "single" and wounded after years of being with the wrong person, any day. There should be no rush because it takes time to discover whether a person has a genuine aligned love interest or just check-marking a self-serving milestone. It's been well documented that divorce is commonly filed by women and unequal sharing of domestic duties is listed as one of the reasons behind most divorces. For most men, the ideals of marriage place women as being solely responsible for household upkeep and primary carers of children. In addition to the unrecovered declining state of the economic climate, married women are also expected to work. This imbalance validates the current decline in marriage, as women recognise they do not benefit from it.

According to the Institute of Family Studies, married men benefit more from marriages than married women. It is said that married men are happier and healthier than bachelors as they earn more money and live longer. However, for women, the benefits of marriage are determined by the quality of the marital partner. This study confirms the reasoning behind why women are pressured into entertaining subpar romantic relationships, the survival needs of men are the only thing considered. I say this because according to the Institute of Family Studies, married men reap marital benefits even from mediocre marriages. Yet, women are not wildly valued as "the prize" to be earned, that is wild to me. But who can one blame the use of reverse psychology here, what better way to secure access to a "resource" than to devalue it and make it believe it lacks value outside of being with you? Although extremely manipulative, it seems to have worked quite well. Society celebrates wives and mothers but outside of these milestones, other accomplishments aren't revered. If a woman continues to resist the "doomed" status of singleness, the more willing she'll be to devalue herself to achieve the most celebrated status. It's okay to want Marriage and/or Motherhood but it's much healthier to want those things on your own terms and not as a result of social acceptance or pressure.

Projected Fear Of Loneliness and "Single" Shaming

Matos, (2022), wrote a piece titled: "What's Behind the Rise of Lonely, Single Men" in Psychology Today. He quoted:

Younger and middle-aged men are the loneliest they’ve been in generations, and it’s probably going to get worse

He explains this prediction in detail and mentions that the standards of women are increasing. Today's men are feeling the effects and have taken to social media to harass, shame and bully women into lowering their standards and reversing this fate. Little do these men know, they are the only ones who can change their own fate, but this requires acceptance of change and effort to adapt.

The Rise of Decentering Men

Decentering men is the conscious practice of prioritising oneself. Patriarchy has used numerous sources to socialise and condition young girls and women to be self-sacrificing to accommodate the comforts of others. Being sold happy ever afters with "Prince Charming" is not quite the fairy tale we've all imagined. The reality is that women are expected to place their aspirations and other relationships on the back burner for crumbs and scraps.

This is a perfect depiction of what #decentering men look like. Your ideal life focuses on your interests, self-development and maintaining your community. The ideal life generates a much more fulfilling and wholesome life which can be shared with whoever is deemed worthy.

"The Great Divorce" is a current theme, as women refuse to compromise their own happiness to maintain a marriage. Before a divorce is considered, It is likely that there have been communicated issues with spouses, however, these issues go unresolved, hence the divorce. Women are expected to endure unloving and dissatisfying marriages, so, most men don't feel threatened by the possibility of divorce. If a woman decides to leave, they are commonly blamed and shamed for ruining their marriage.